I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
