Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
