if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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