It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Sober January is a disaster.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
