Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
