I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
