Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
