Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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