shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
