I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
