Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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