How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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