Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
