So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
