and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
