Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
