She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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