I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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