well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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