my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize