Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
