I wish you could order shots online.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
