Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
