am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
