Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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