The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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