Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
