I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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