nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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