if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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