it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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