I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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