Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize