so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
