remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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