Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
