I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
