Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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