i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
