i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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