Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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