How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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