oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
