That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
