after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
