i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
