I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize