We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
vagina is talking i cant
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
