Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
