I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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