Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
