So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
