is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
