Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
