Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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