you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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