cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
