I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
