I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
