Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Everclear isn't food dammit
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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