so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
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