it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
